I just remembered this.

I know this is the second Blog since I said I was not going to be Blogging for at least two weeks, but I just remembered a story from a horrid birthday party I had on Thursday night...

The kids were awful. Just awful. The parents really weren't any better. As they sat down, the mother of the birthday boy pulled out the glow sticks, of course. Why do people insist on bringing light-producing items into the Planetarium? Don't they get it?

Anyway, I told her not to do it, and she gave me a quizzical expression. She then went on to tell me that her friend, who recently had her own child's birthday party in the Planetarium, told her that she had brought them, and that it was a great idea.

I yell at EVERYONE who does this. Urf... people drive me nuts.

Anyway -- in the middle of the program when I was talking about Jupiter, I mentioned that it was a gas planet; it is completely made of gas.

One girl, about six years old, yelled out, "Wow! My dad has gas!"

I then heard an adult male voice from two rows back yell out, "HEY!"

I laughed and laughed.

It was really the only time I laughed through the whole show -- but sometimes the little things make it all worth while.

LOOK OUT BELOW!

I had my Holiday Under the Stars program tonight. It was the last program of the year -- I am off until next year.

During the program, while I was moving the sky around, there was a horrendous crashing sound, as if the Planetarium was actually collapsing. It happened in the middle or the room, which means the shape of the dome amplified the sound. Everyone in the room gasped, and I think I might have heard a child scream.

One of the planet projectors FELL OFF THE MACHINE in the middle of the show (it was the Mars projector, in case you were wondering).

Imagine a pair of binoculars, made of cast iron, falling ten feet through a metallic cage and crashing to the ground about 10 feet away from where you are sitting -- in a dark room in slung-back chairs. There would be no escape.

I know it startled everyone. Heck, I'm pretty sure I peed myself, just a little, because I thought the machine was crashing down.

It took 8 people to lift the support bar into place when it was installed in 1970 -- this thing literally weighs a TON. Two thousand pounds.

I figured I was about the witness the first Planetarium fatality. Oh, and friends of the family were sitting in the front row -- they would have been the ones to perish.

I think we need a new machine. Before someone gets hurt.

I need a vacation -- good thing it just officially started. Right... . . . . . . .


...

NOW.

Break time.

Sorry I haven't kept this up as well as I used to. I promise, next year, I will go back to my old, furious blogging ways (sounds like a resolution to me!).

And, this is my sign off-- I am taking the last two weeks of the year off. I will return on January twoth.

Have a wonderful, safe, happy, painless holiday season.

--- Mr. Astronomy Guy.

The ONE show I look forward to...

...was cancelled.

At 2:00 today I was supposed to do a show for a group of nuns. NUNS! The sisters came last year, and the show rocked. They were so awesome. How can you go wrong with nuns?

Anyway, they called and said that a bunch of the sisters were sick, and some others had to attend a funeral, so there would not be enough to make it worth while to attend the show.

The one show I WANTED to do.

How come a cancellation never happens to a birthday party?

I figured the nuns would definitely provide some wonderful blog fodder. Alas, it is not to be.

Sorry.

FIGHT!

I had my first fight in the Planetarium!

OK, it wasn't really much of a fight, there were a couple guys who maybe got in one swing each, but that was it. It was a little scary, though, and I knew not what I should do.

The program was for 16 high school special ed students. I was, surely, the smallest person in there -- for those of you who don't know, I am 6' 1", 210 lbs. Not a behemoth by any stretch of the imagination, but not a shrimp. It was like the Chicago Bears were coming in the door, when they were big. There was one year they won the superbowl, I think -- and they had that "Refrigerator" guy on the team....? Right...? They did that Superbowl Shuffle song...? Remember? Sure it was pathetic, but those guys were big. And THAT is the aspect of them that I am trying to convey.

Big. High School. Special Ed. Kids.

OK, I think you've got the picture.

They did ask some odd questions during the program, though nothing odd enough to be funny. They centered around the function of the machine, mainly.

Anyway, it's the end of the show, the lights are coming up, and the dome is being re-illuminated. As that happens, there are spots of shade and light that appear on the dome. It almost looks dirty, but it's just a function of the light and shadow across the room.

"It looks like it's cloudy," one kid said.

"It looks like inside the moon," another said. I don't know how he know what the inside of the moon looks like, but it's as good a thing to say as any.

"It looks like your mother," a third kid said.

Inside-The-Moon Kid leaps up with a gutteral growly scream, of sorts. The third kid leaps up, too, and in seconds fists are being pounded into heads. It was crazy. I thought they were going to start tearing up the seats, Irish-Soccer-Riot style. One kid, larger than the both of them grabbed Inside-The-Moon Kid's fist on its way to third kid's head. By this point, 2 of the chaperones, big fellas in their own right, were there to break it up.

"WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?!" one of the teachers yelled.

"Nothin'," they said simultaneously.

"All right then. Now cut it out," he told them. THEN, his voice changed back to friendly: "Now go stand in front of the machine so I can get a picture of all of you."

And they did. Considering the way with which the incident was dealt, I can only imagine this happens often.

I don't think I could work full time in an environment like that.

Maybe the 5 year-olds aren't so bad.


Who am I kidding... I'll take randomly violent high school kids any day.

(tried to post this on Tuesday, but the Bloggy thing was on the fritz.)

He's BAAAACK.

OK, I had some dude write me a crazy e-mail a little while back. He did it again!

Here goes:

Hi again I had asked under different sn question.I have not been able to find artwork of a top-view of the spirals of MW with the ecliptic superimposed on.A drawing would be worth 1000 words.With Wingdings Font a -i =abcdefghiand ^_ ` as ^_` I had attempted to draw partial circular picture ,but was rearranged.I'm mixing various sources http://rst.gsfc.nasa.gov/sect 20/A2a.html link 2 Jerry Pool's on pg 18 maps.Again this is not about astrology and from that matter extraneous info.,I'm merely retaining 'zodiac',as it is familiar,visible,calendarical,and would guess somewhat close.

All the whitespace (or lack thereof) has been preserved. This was a simple cut-n-paste. I have a little more idea of what he is talking about, but it is still pretty incomprehensible. And the link he included didn't actually take me anywhere.

I'm thinking about writing back:

"The ecliptic MW view as requested prior of e-mail sent is a difficult in ponderance.I have spended time illustratively on decided thing for view of MW.In this illustration: http://fergusmurray.members.beeb.net/tor2.htm ecliptic goes 23 * from center when picked or viewed from 'top' which north might be construed for.As view from 75.76 ly in past views has been corrected by the correctors, you can see in the illustration the view and angle change by degrees.Instead of the double edge side view I chose the front side double edge wide compacted view in n-space,which I think illustrates the dip and thong of the contorting planes in the wisest basis.Some extra arrangement on the *54* ascension due to the Berra axiom translated as "It gets late early out here" suggests that the declination is correct for this and future times instead of past.For past 1000 yr view, watch picture for at least 52 mins and don't blink.I hope this is closest to thing that wanted to be."

It probably would answer his question.

Whoof. Four year olds by day, over-zealous astrophiles by night. Is there a happy medium out there!?

BIRTHDAY PARTIES. This is it. Last time. Seriously.

I had a birthday party today at 1:00. Yep, 1:00 on a Tuesday during the school year. I wondered how this could be! Weren't they in school?! I looked at the reservation form and found out: "Most kids should be almost 5." THEY WEREN'T OLD ENOUGH FOR SCHOOL!

Oh, man. I was in there getting ready to make the "Happy Birthday, [insert name here]!" slide, when I realized that the birthday boy probably doesn't know how to read yet.

They had reserved a room to have pizza and cake before the show. The father and his two sons showed up about an hour early at my door. They came in asking where the room they reserved was -- I don't have anything to do with that at all. I explained that to him, and told him that he could use my phone and call around to try to find out. He came in and his kids did, too.

On the back of my office door is a poster -- a topographic map of the moon labelling all of the major features. It's a nice thing to glance up at while I'm sitting here during the day. One of the kids wanted to take a closer look, and somehow ripped it.

HE RIPPED MY MOON POSTER. The father was dialing the phone, heard the rip, turned around and scolded his son like this:

"You probably shouldn't be doing that."

PROBABLY?! He ripped my poster! YOU probably shouldn't be a parent! Urk.

The show was what you imagine... 3 and 4 year olds asking when the lights were going to come back on.

Overall, it was a pretty sad afternoon.

Although, I did get one of the "goody bags" they were handing out to the little kids. I got a pencil case, and some stickers, and some glow in the dark plastic space-related things. And some candy. And a constellation guide.

I suppose a day in which I receive a pencil case can't be too bad.

Getting Old...

I had a group of girl scouts yesterday. They were pretty exciteable, but, as usual, it was Astronomy-related excitement.

So, at the end, during the Q&A, there was one girl who asked about Halley's Comet.

"When can we see that big comet again?" she asked.

"Halley's Comet?" I asked.

"YEAH! That one!"

I thought about it for a second -- "I think the next time we can see it is in 2061. So we have a little time to wait."

"Oh, great," she said. "By that time I will be over 70 and I won't be able to see anymore."

They Still DON'T Get It.

Why do I bother talking at all?

I had another person calling up to schedule a birthday party. She asked a bunch of questions which seemed to indicate she had never been here before, so I asked: "Have you been here before?"

"NO!" she said with glee and excitement.

"Well, just so you know, if you come here for a program, it will basically be me lecturing about the stars and planets. Sometimes people expect something more like a movie with special effects experience. We really don't have that here."

"GREAT!" She said, with even more enthusiasm.

"Sometimes kids want a more thrilling experience for a party than a college professor talking about the planets."

"RIGHT!" She was beyond excited. I was beginning to wonder if she was even talked to me, or someone else over on her side of the phone.

"So, are you sure you want to do this party?"

"OF COURSE!" She said.

The usual question I ask at this point, : "Is there any reason you picked the Planetarium? Does your son have any particular interest in Astronomy? Stars? Planets? Galaxies? Nebulas? Rockets? Anything like that?"

"I HAVE NO IDEA!" She told me, in the same tone as if she had just told me she had won the lottery.

"Then why the Planetarium?"

"SOMEONE TOLD ME IT WAS A GOOD IDEA!" She bubbled forth.

"I see. Well, maybe you could ask your son what kinds of things he would like to learn about in the Planetarium. There will be a place on the form where you can write in any topics you want discussed. Find out what he wants to see, and jot it down, and I'll try to include it."

"REALLY?" She squealed. I couldn't imagine how someone could have that much adrenaline.

"Yep," I told her. "Anything related to space... just write it, and I'll try to include it."

"WOW." She said.

This has happened before -- I think she was sort of half-listening. People just hear what they think they want to hear. I knew she was going to ask for something that I couldn't do and had nothing to do with space.... I couldn't wait to see....

[time passes...]

I just got the paperwork back from this person. She wrote down the following: "My son would like to see explosions."

The 15 minute Blizzard of '03.

As I was waiting for a group to come, the sky got dark, and all of a sudden I couldn't see ANYTHING. The wind was whipping, and sheets of snow just started barreling across campus. It was crazy. I wouldn NOT have been happy on a school bus in that weather. I thought the group might have turned around. I hoped they did (for their own safety, of course, not to get me out of doing a program! Banish the thought!).

But, a few minutes late, the kids came scrambling down the hill.

I know it wouldn't be pleasant -- let's check the score: This was a group of 6th and 7th graders; not a good start. It was the first real snowstorm of the season -- when it snows for the first time, middle school kids get all wonky. They can't think of anything else but snow. I used to teach 8th grade math, and one first-storm day I had gotten so sick of them just thinking about snow, I made up a math lab for them involving them going out and counting snowflakes (it was a lot better than it sounds -- there was some really good math in there, and they were happy to go out and play in the snow). OH! OH! And the snow was not very well predicted, so they were completely underdressed. Most of the girls had at least 3 inches of belly skin exposed.

So they were basically a zoo.

The teachers and I calmed them down a little before we went in. They settled in OK -- a little chatty here and there, but not too bad. Definitely on the dark side of bad, but I've certainly seen worse.

The bad part: one of the teacher's cell phones kept going off throughout the show. It must have rung 5 times. And everytime she would flip open her phone, the light would drown out most of the room. By ring 3 even the kids were getting pissed. I'm pretty sure she made a few calls, too.

At the end of the show, she apologized: "Sorry for the cell phone, I have a diabetic kid in here."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?? Does her cell phone dispense insulin or something?

"Well, you gotta do what you gotta do," I told her. I'm not sure how she took it. I think she was unbothered -- she still seemed happy.


Darn.

Weekend Birthdays.

I had 2 birthday parties on Saturday -- Party #1: a six-year old girl. Party #2: a nine-year old girl.

I know I've said this before, but I don't think I can do birthdays anymore. I feel like I should be making balloon animals while wearing a big red nose. It's really rather demoralizing as 6 year olds all chant commands at you -- one kid yelled, "HEY! Make the sky move again! Turn the sky!" And then they all started chanting, "Turn... The... Sky! Turn... The... Sky! Turn... The... Sky!" So I turned the sky. They cheered. I stopped it. "Do it again!" the first kid yelled again. And of course, it was followed by the chant: "Do... It... Again! Do... It... Again! Do... It... Again!" I guess it's easier than trying to talk at them.

The six-year old group brought glow sticks. I've had it happen before. The parents seemed like intelligent people, and have been to my public shows before... they should have known better. They seemed so shocked when I suggested that the glowsticks might be a bad idea in a room that is supposed to be dark. "They're not bright," the mother told me, "it should be fine."

"Just wait and see..." I told her.

...and it was like I didn't even turn off the lights. The glow was tremendous. The entire room was a sickly green color -- it sort of looked like we were using night-vision goggles. IT looked kind of wild and creepy. Even thought it was a neat effect, you couldn't actually see any stars. I told them to stick them in a pocket or to sit on them. They liked that.

RIght before the first program, there was a 5 year old boy, probably one of the siblings of the girls at the party, who gazed, wide-eyed, at the planetarium projector, and said to the person next to him (I assume it was his father), "I think we are about to be hypnotized."

"Why do you think that?" his father asked.

"I saw it on a show."

Ohmigod. The only show I can imagine he is talking about is the "Plane'arium" episode of South Park. This kid was NOT older than 5. Yeeps -- he'll be warped for life. ["It warped my fragile little mind." -- Cartman]

Both shows had a notable moment related to the Mars Exploration Rovers' Rock Abrasion Tool; it's a little device that will scrape away little holes to look inside the rocks on Mars.

During the 6 year old show, when I was showing the device, one of the boys at the show yelled out, "Does that thing have a light saber on board?"

"Uh... no," I replied.

"Because they could do that a lot better and easier if it had a light saber," he told me.

"Oh," I replied.

"I wish I had a light saber," he added.

"Me, too," I told him.


During the 9-year old party, which was the second one, basically at exactly the same time as the "light saber" comment in the previous program, one of the girls yelled out, "It looks like a blow dryer!"

Due to the acoustics of the room (OK, it was probably just my immature vile brain, but I can blame it on the room if I want to!), I actually thought she said, "It looks like a blow job."

I was horrified for an instant. These were 9 year old girls! They shouldn't be saying things like that! But then, my brain's grammar check went into action. This happens a lot -- I hear one thing, and then my brain goes on a context-check and realizes what the person actually said.

It occurs quickly, but it goes something like this inside my brain: Blow job?! She couldn't have said that. Maybe it was 'snow job'? No, that doesn't fit either. 'Door knob'? Nope. 'Corn on the cob'? Uh, uh. 'Blow dryer'? YEAH! That must have been it. Phew.

That entire stream happens in a fraction of a second in my brain.

When I realized what I had thought, versus what she actually said, I started laughing. I couldn't help it. I was laughing at myself, really, for having such a vile thought. I was trying not to talk, because everytime I opened my mouth, I started laughing again. At the same time, a couple adults across the room were laughing, too. I think the same thought happened to them, but I can't be sure. There was no way I was going to ask!

I started making the laugh sound like a cough, and blamed it on a cold. I think the kids bought it. I "coughed" for the remaining 15 minutes of the show.

I'm actually not sure I can ever watch that video again.

The Best Way To Spend a Friday Night.

Urg.

Boy scout group.
Supposed to be here 40 minutes ago.

I wouldn't even have come in today if I didn't have this show. And they stood me up. I hope they call to reschedule -- I think they will find my calendar ludicrously filled. Maybe sometime in 2012.

Again, I say: Urg.

Well, this is it. I can wait no longer than this. I'm hungry. I'm cranky. I'm wishing people wouldn't be weenuses. I'm leaving a message on this person's answering machine. I'm out of here.

The First Time I Ever Snapped.

We always have done school shows on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays at 9:30, 11:00 and 12:30. ALWAYS. OK, for at least 20 years. I have not been here than long ( <2 years, actually), but the reservationist has. She confirmed.

I had a school group the other day that told me that they come here "all the time". They have some funky memory problems, though.

It was a group of third graders. And I do remember them from last year... since they were one of the worst schools that visited. They are a private school -- I think a catholic school -- they have to wear uniforms.

This year the kids weren't too bad.

They had the 9:30 time slot. They came sauntering down the walk at 9:40. The woman who runs the school came along, and she told me, "OH! OH! I saw this great thing on Nova last night about the Earth's magnetic field. SO, along with all the stuff I asked for -- the moon, constellations, the sun, gravity, the planets -- you need to do some stuff on the magnetic field of the Earth!"

I said, "Well, I will see what I can do. I don't have anything set up for that in the dome, and we are starting late already..."

"Oh, that's fine!" she interrupted. "We can stay later." She said this with such confidence -- as if this were a universal fact. She said it as if she had just made an imperial decree, and the law was now in effect.

"No you can't," I told her. "There is another show after you."

She tried glaring at me. I SWEAR I think she was trying to control me with her brainwaves. She pursed up her mouth and leaned forward a little. Her brow furrowed down, and her eyes got a little wider as if she was trying to beam some command right into my mind.

I brought them inside.

I did manage to get most things done. I talked a little quicker than normal, and even talked about some random facts of the Earth's magnetic field as we were spinning the sky.

At this point it is 10:45. They needed to get out of there, since the 11:00 show will likely show up 10 minutes early, and I need to reset all the equipment. So the lights came up, and I summed up, and told them that I normally do questions and answers, but this time I simply wouldn't have time.

The woman who runs the school piped up, "OH we're here until 11:00!" She had the same gaze-pierce she had before. Seriously, I think she was trying to do a Jedi mind trick on me.

"OH no you're not," I said back, and instantly regretted it. Not what I said, but how I said it. I completely and totally mocked her. I said it in exactly the same tone as her. I even raised my voice a little to make it sound like her. It was a completely and utter mockery in tone, inflection, and volume.

I can't do that, you see. I am Mr. Astronomy Guy. I have to be Mr. Friendly Astronomy Guy. I have to be happy and politically correct and gentle all the time. And I lost it. I never lose it.

"You guys have to go," I said, very gently, with resignation, head bowed enough that I had no eye contact. I just went back behind the control panel and fiddled the switches back to their position. Usually I give them a "Have a good day!" greeting as they exit. Not this time. I felt kind of beaten and tired.

And there were 2 more shows to go...

Milestones.

A couple quick things --

I recently performed my 500th program.

And, at almost the exact same time, I performed for my 20,000th visitor.



Wow.

Invasion.

I had some scouts last night.

FIRST OF ALL, the show should NEVER have even happened. I don't think that I ever talked in person to the guy setting it up. It was just phone messages back and forth. Which means he never filled out any paperwork. Which means he never sent in a deposit. Which means he never got parking permits. He basically just called and left a message earlier in the week which said, "I invited 40 people to the planetarium for Tuesday night. Hope that's OK."

He had asked for that date in a message once. I kept calling back and leaving messages telling him that the date was currently open, but he needed to talk to me directly in order for us to discus the program, set stuff up, and get him the documentation he needed for us to proceed. I said that he needed to do that in order for me to do a show at all. He apparently didn't care...

So, I knew they were coming, even though they should not have. And I had a feeling that it would be a slightly unruly crowd... generally if a parent can't even follow directions, the kids attached are monsters.

I had no idea of what was in store...

As is often the case with the scouts, I heard them before I saw them. The path leads at least 2 tenths of a mile from the Planetarium entrance -- I can see it that far. I could hear their screaming and wailing from over 2 tenths of a mile away. They came tearing down the hill like a band of invading Visigoths. The kids ran right by me and slammed into the wall, as if they were drag racing cars whose chutes did not deploy. They then started something between a cheer and a chant, and began pounding the walls. Note: This is a college, and classes were currently in session.

There is a bench by the entrance, and 2 newspaper dispensing machines. Within 30 seconds, they had pushed the bench about 10 feet away from the wall, and knocked over one of the newspaper machines! They were animals. Feral, raw, tribal, mob-style hordes of animals.

The parents meandered down the hill behind. I was just pointing at the kids and shaking my head, since there was obviously no words to describe the mayhem. I told them that the planetarium had a bunch of very expensive and sensitive equipment and that I would not do a show for the kids that were there. A couple parents rolled their eyes and decided that they would address their vandal offspring at that point. But they seemed really pissed off that I would actually ask for them to parent their children. It was unbelievable.

I righted the upturned vending machine, and immediately three kids ran and started yanking and slamming at the locked door. I just screamed, "Get away from it!" The kids just snicked their tongues and glared at me. (These are 2nd grade kids, by the way. SEVEN years old.)

Finally they stopped attempting to destroy everything in sight.

I was about to invite them in, and mentioned, sort of matter-of-factly, payment for the program. The parents of the scouts seemed quite surprised when I mentioned the concept of an admission price. I'm pretty sure they thought it was free. When I told them it was $3 for the kids, and $5 for the adults, many of their mouths just flapped open and closed like a guppy.

It took me 15 minutes to collect money. AND I think some of the parents were trying to sneak in without paying.

The show itself was not the worst I've ever done, but it certainly wasn't great. I can not begin to tell you how happy I was to get out of there.

They don't pay me enough...

I never thought about this...

Holy moley. I appear in search engines.

People can actually do a search for Mr. Astronomy Guy. Go ahead! Run on over to Google, and do it.

I come up first.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

I always knew I might get a hit or two by being stumbled upon by people logging on to Blogger. But it's actually out there. Loose on the web. This seems dangerous to me.

But maybe I will get discovered, and asked to do a TV show like Bill Nye, The Science Guy.

That would be good. Because only then can I adequately take over the world.

I mean -- provide a fun and educational program to a world-wide audience.

Seriously. Forget that "take over the world" bit. I didn't mean it. I'm here for the children -- to educate the scientists of tomorrow. I am not working towards megalomaniacal ends. I'm not.

Really.

Voice Mail Confusion.

I have just received a couple of voice mails from someone who was speaking rather quickly and confusedly.

I don't like to include actual names in my Blog, to protect the innocent, but I'm pretty sure she said that her name was "Fran Applecrisp". I thought it was unusual enough to mention. She left a couple messages about bringing a "small club" for a "Valentine's Day show". She doesn't know it, but I do have public shows on that day, and I am doing some of my storytelling shows for little kids. I can't imagine a Valentine's Day show request would include a little kids' show. The point: I won't be able to accommodate her request.

Here's the weirdest part: She didn't know the number of the phone from which she was calling! She left a couple messages saying that she would keep trying because she had "forgotten" her number. ANd even if she did remember it, it didn't matter because she was calling from a "temporary phone line". I didn't realize they made those!

"Hi, AT&T. I'd like a phone. Permanently?? Nope, just for 20 minutes or so."

So here's the only thing I can imagine -- her "small club" is a group of the homeless. And she was calling from a payphone that didn't have a number on it. I'm not sure what a Valentine's Day show for the homeless would be like. We shall see... If I find out, you can be sure that I will let you all know.

Some People Are Just Insane.

I got this e-mail today (I swear that this is an exact cut-and-paste):

Hi.The center of the MW galaxy was found after the establishment of the use of Rt.A.&Dec..By simple(?)addition/subtraction change co-ordinates by 'transalation'Ex. Set the center as 0* instead of at 17,The position at 90*(+/_17*)would also point to where we are heading to,another 270*(+/-17*)would be from were we came from.Maps at 12.5 l yrs. show modern discovered dim red dwarfs,50 l yrs. map too many unknown to me .If using the Alpha stars of each sign of the 'zodiac'(a generalization understanding apparent/absolute Mag.),Could you please show diagram of Ecliptic re-centered upon center?Thanks!

I have no idea who this person is or from where (s)he got my e-mail address.

There are many problems with this e-mail.

Problem #1: Whitespace?? I have no idea where one thought ends and another begins.
Problem #2: English?? This person definitely did not have English as a primary language. The grammar mistakes are uncountable.
Problem #3: A diagram?? I'm not sure how to show something re-centered upon center! If it was centered already, wouldn't that be on center? How did this thing get off center?
Problem #3: Does this person know what I do?? A typical show for me goes like this: "Hey little kindergarten kiddies, look at the pretty picture of Pegasus! Look at the pretty picture of Jupiter!" I show pictures to 6 year olds. I do not do anything that would ever even hint at a sentence like this one from his/her e-mail: "Maps at 12.5 l yrs. show modern discovered dim red dwarfs,50 l yrs. map too many unknown to me ."

Yipes.

Help Wanted.

I have to post this out there... I feel bad publishing this person's e-mail, (especially in the event of the the one-millionth of one percent chance that she sees this Blog... yipes!) because she means well. But I just don't know how to answer.

Here is the mail I got:

My father is 81 and has expressed an interest in astronomy. He is still very active, although he tends to be forgetful and can get a little confused. I was wondering if there was anything you could recommend for him to do at the planetarium - perhaps a course, an astronomy club, a tour, maybe even a volunteer job.

Let me re-state: "...he tends to be forgetful and can get a little confused."

OK, OK -- I know that I am often forgetful, and, at least as often, am confused.

I don't want to just say, "My Gracious, NO!" But that's what it is going to come down to. I don't need more confused people working here. I have enough trouble working by myself.

A New Form of Annoyance

I had some birthday parties this weekend. That is always a joy for me. I do complain, and I do keep doing them, this is true. Starting next year, it should have some alleviation since I will only keep one weekend a month open for parties. If they can't do it on that day or two, they just don't get a show! That should cut down a bit on things like....

I was going over the planets, as requested by the parents of the completely disinterested birthday boy. It seemed to be going somewhat well... when I got to Jupiter, one kids said, "Jupiter is stupider."

I hadn't heard that one before!

Then, all the kids just started chanting...

"Jupiter! Stupider!
Jupiter! Stupider!
Jupiter! Stupider!
Jupiter! Stupider!"

It rose to a feverish pitch... it was a pretty incredible and horrible sound. It continued on for a while... they eventually settled down. But after that I really didn't care about the program at all. Which is only a little less than I had before the primal chanting.

However: I do get the last laugh.... I just looked it up: "stupider" isn't even a real word!

Ha!

Stupid kids.

And these kids: even stupider than most.

Davy Crotchet.

One of the birthday parties from this weekend was a small group of 7 and 8 year old kids. I think there 11 kids and 5 adults. One of the adults was the birthday boy's grandfather, and this was quite the crotchety old man....

The kids were just about settled in, and I was about to begin my little discourse. The grandfather leans forward out of his seat and screams (I swear it can only be described as a scream), "WHEN THE HELL IS THIS THING GOING TO START?!?!?"

Holey moley. I think I peed my pants, just a little.

He was a scary old coot. And, I'm guessing, a bit hard of hearing. He yelled a few incomprehensible things during the program ("WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??" , "THAT DAMN THING LOOKS LIKE A WATERMELON!!!", "I DON'T THINK I'D WANT TO GET ON ONE OF THOSE!!"), and I was scared at those times, as well.

The kids seemed to enjoy themselves, but the chatter certainly ceased every time grandpa had a mini fit.

The show got over and I dismissed the people down to the cafeteria, and I retired to my office to try to stop shaking. I had nearly reached a state of composure when I saw grandpa doing a slow slumped shuffle past my small office door window. I heard the doorknob rattling, and I had a panic attack like a character in a bad horror movie.

Grandpa managed to open the door. He leaned in and yelled, "IS THIS THE JOHN??"

"No, sir," I said in my best appease-the-psychopath voice.

He then asked, "WELL WHERE THE HELL IS THE DAMN JOHN, THEN!!!??"

"Just down the hall a bit," I told him, trying to both not stare in horror AND not look away in fear at the same time.

He just kind of growled and walked back out of my office.

As soon as he was gone, I ran up, turned off my office light and huddled behind my computer.

That Famous Belt.

The number one most recognized constellation is Orion. Most people recognize that famous hourglass shape quickly. Most have heard of the Belt of Orion, and recognize those 3 stars in a row. There is really only one place in the sky where there are three stars in an almost perfect straight line, the same brightness, and the same distance apart. The Belt of Orion just jumps right out. Kids, adults -- doesn't matter, usually.

Orion is a winter constellation, and since the weather is getting colder, it is now being incorporated into my programs. A birthday party for 6 year olds was one of the programs this weekend, and Orion needed to make an appearance. Usually they know him, and like seeing him up there on the dome.

I usually try to get the to shout him out... I point him out, and say:

"A lot of people recognize this constellation in the sky. It is a big famous guy..."

[sometimes a kid has guessed "Orion!" by now... if not, I continue, and this always gets them...]

"...he's wearing a very famous belt..."

At this point in every other show I have done, the kids are shouting "ORION! ORION!"

Except this time. Silence. Utter and complete.

About 20 seconds of agony goes by, and I am about to tell them, when I hear a gasp of recognition as one kid yells out...

"SANTA!!"

I thought I was going to have to scrape the adults off the floor. They were in hysterics. I couldn't do anything though, since I was laughing as hard as they were.

Sniff.

I had FOUR birthday parties this weekend!! FOUR! Yeeps. I'm uncertain as to how I survived, but I am somewhat upright today.

The first people arrived, and a sweet little girl enetered the mostly empty hallway here at the college. She stopped for a second, squinched up her eyes and nose and said, to no one in particular, "It smells like a hospital in here."

"Really?" I said, a bit shocked. "I never noticed that. Sorry about that."

"That's OK," she said, "I like the smell of hospitals."

I know it was going to be an odd weekend.

A life story...

*** Warning!! Another phone transcript is about to happen! ***

I had a woman call me up in order to set up a show for her boy scouts. The conversation went something like this...

---

Woman: Oh, thanks for calling me back, I know we had some messages back and forth, we call that phone tag, and I know we've been playing phone tag, but that's OK, I'm good at phone tag, a lot of times I will just pop out to run out for something and a lot of times that's when the call comes in but I usually pop right back, and then I can call right back! but a lot of times even though I popped right back, the person who I was trying to talk to has popped out by then so I leave another message and we phone tag! But I'm good at phone tag.

Me: Uhhhh...

Woman: So now we're actually talking! I knew we would eventually, that's how the phone tag usually goes. Sometimes it goes on for a while, but eventually you can actually talk. And I have some questions about doing a show for my boy scouts. I have 8 boys in my den, I am the leader of the den, and I have been doing this for two and half years, well it's not quite two and a half, more like two years and five months, but I think it's easier to say two and half years and most people get the idea. And I have a co-leader and she helps out a lot. And she would want and need to go to the show, so whenever we set up the Planetarium thing, we need to make sure that she can go, too.

Me: Ummmm...

Woman: So I want to set up a show for a Friday night in Novemeber and I was looking at the calendar and there are 4 Fridays but one of them is the day after Thanksgiving, I call that Thanksgiving Friday, and that one doesn't really count and that's OK, because we only meet every other Friday and that's not one of them anyway, and my co-leader is going to be away on the first Friday so we couldn't do it on that Friday we'd have to do it on the third Friday which is twenty first so that's when we would like to do it, can you do it then?

Me: Yeah.... I think we...

Woman: Oh, good because that's the day we would want to come and I am very excited about this WHOLE trip and I know the kids are too, but not as excited as me because I've looked at the stars FOREVER, but not around here because of all the lights that are around that make it difficult to see any of the stars but I didn't grow up around here I was west of here and you totally see more stars than you can around here, but I remember that when I was in Australia it was awesome because you could see even more stars -- so many that you can't even recognize them, I mean, I could find the Southern Cross all good, but that was it, I just laid back and got lost in all those stars, so many more than you ever see up here. A lot more.

Me: Um...

Woman: OK, so I will tell my co-leader that we will do it that day, I'll call her but she won't be home because she works. Well, she doesn't work EVERY day, but some days, and today is a work day for her so she won't be home, but I will leave a message, and she'll get it. She's used to me calling and leaving messages, I do that all the time, I am really good at phone tag, because I pop out real quick a lot of the time and people call when I am out and leave a message and then I have to get back to them. But my co-leader is at work, so she'll just get back to me later, and besides I'll see her tonight at the council meeting, because she's going to be there, and I'm going to be there, and I know she'll have to be there because she has to pay for a sweatshirt.

Me: Uhhh...

---

This goes on for a very, very long time. I'll stop here because I reckon you get the point.

Unclear on the Concept.

I run a Planetarium!! Stars, planets, etc.

I know I have mentioned people asking for odd shows before, but I have to go back to it. (Really, how many different things can I possibly write about??)

On the reservation form, in the place where they are supposed to tell me what Space Science related things they want to see, I got this:

"We finished a unit on the Roman Empire, and I would like a program having to do with this topic."

I just don't get it! It's a Planetarium! Not a Historitarium! Maybe they want some Roman constellations?? I really can't seem to stretch my brain far enough to figure out what it might be besides that. Unless they just have NO CLUE as to what facility they are coming to!

I'm going to stop offering the ability to pick your own show, I think. You get the moon, planets and stars.

Period.

The Good Kids.

[Here's a quick one -- really just a random thought than a story.]

I have people call all the time for parties or scout groups. I just got off the phone with a woman who wanted to bring her Brownies to the Planetarium. I gave her all the info. As I was spewing out the details she kept interrupting me to let me know that they are "very good girls; very well behaved."


Me: We can plan a show for any time, really, as it fits into my schedule...

Her: Oh, good! They're really good girls!

Me: And I can provide any content you would like. If they were working towards a badge or something...

Her: Right! Yeah, they're a good bunch of girls.

Me: You just need to pick a time and a topic, and we can make it happen...

Her: That'll be great. Cuz these girls are so good. Very mature. Very well-behaved.


Why did she insist on telling me this? Whenever I need to be assured that they are good kids, it generally means that they are the spawn of demons.

I think it's just something about the way I am wired -- when people work really hard to convince me of something, I find it harder and harder to believe. In a similar fashion, I will never buy a product which cheerfully states on its packaging that "IT REALLY WORKS!" I would just assume, if you are attempting to sell a product, that it does, indeed, at the very least, work. If you are so insecure that you must mention that it really works, I have a sneaking suspicion that it does not. When I am shopping, if a product does not have a sign telling me that it works, I do not have the impression that it does not work. "It really works!" goes into my brain as: "It really works! Seriously! No really! I mean it! C'mon, believe me! I'm totally not joking here! I don't want to beg, just buy me because I work! Really! C'mon, man, give a brother a break!"

I should be careful what I ask for -- I want people to just be truthful, and one of these days I'll get a call for a show....

"Hi, can you set up a show for my Boy Scouts? Oh, good, because these kids are hellions... they are vile and rude with no respect for themselves or others. They have no concern for the feelings of others or even of the sanctity of life itself. They get off on turturing puppies and setting things on fire. You'll do a show for them? That'll be great."

I don't get how people just don't get it.

Hey folks -- I know it's been a while since I've posted. AND, as it turns out I probably shouldn't even be posting this. I am terribly busy and should be writing my monthly newletter which is already a week late. But I have to stop and transcribe a phone call I just received.

---

Me: Good afternoon, Planetarium, this is Mr. Astronomy guy.

Woman: Is this the Planetarium?

Me: Why yes, it is!

Woman: Oh.

[15 seconds of silence.]

Me: Can I help you?

Woman: I hope so. Do you do birthday parties at the Planetarium?

Me: **-sigh-** Yes, we do. As it fits into my schedule.

Woman: Well, I have a boy who is about to turn seven. Do you think that is a good age to bring him to the Planetarium?

Me: That all depends. Most of the programs I do are for kids around that age. Much of the time, they respond well, but for many of them, it is not appropriate.

Woman: What do you mean?

Me: Well, we don't have any automation here at the Planetarium. All the shows are done live. It's not like going to see a movie. It's sort of like a lecture. Some kids like that and can sit still, but some, especially at a birthday party, can't do that, and it just doesn't work.

[Yes, I am trying to talk the woman out of the idea without explicitly saying so.]

Woman: What about my son?

Me: [??!!] What about him?

Woman: Do you think it would be good for him?

Me: [blink. blink blink.] Ummm... I don't know your son.

Woman: Oh.

Me: Well, let me ask you this -- what made you think of the Planetarium? Is he interested is space things? Rockets? Planets? Stars? Galaxies?

Woman: No, not really.

Me: Oh. Well, how is his behavior? Does he like to sit and listen?

Woman: No. Not really. He's pretty antsy.

Me: I see.

Woman: So what do you think....?

Me: **--phoo-** I really don't think it will be appropriate. It doesn't sound like it will work. It sounds like he wouldn't appreciate it at all.

Woman: Oh.

[15 seconds of silence.]

Woman: Well, what dates do you have available?

Me: Excuse me?

Woman: When are you there for the birthday parties?

Me: Are you sure you want to have his party here?

Woman: Yeah, it sounds good!

Me: Are you sure?

Woman: Yeah.

Me: Really?

Woman: Yeah.

---

Why have the conversation at all?! Why even ask me if you're not going to listen?! Oof.

I'm sure that party will make it into the Bloggery. Stay tuned...

More Big Kids.

Well, a couple days ago I was the host for an area Chamber of Commerce visiting. I wore a suit and everything. I shaved that very day. Normally someone else hosts, but everyone above me on the chain of command was busy or away, so it trickled down to me. I am not fond of hosting, at all. And I was especially annoyed at this group because they scheduled our place to have a networking session, and then capped off with a Planetarium show (that part I KNEW I would have to do), as a special treat.... BUT, it started as a regular hour show... then they called and asked to have it reduced to 45 minutes (sure, that's fine), then they asked for closer to 1/2 hour (now it's getting silly short), then they asked for 20 minutes or less (why bother??). It's part of my duties to do these little sundry things and make our people happy, so I agreed.

The organizers showed up, and I greeted them and asked if they needed any help. They looked at me like I had asked them if they would hold a dirty diaper. "I think we can handle it," one of them said. OK....

I drifted back and forth to the greeters to make sure the people at the meeting had everything they needed. Everytime I went there, they only ever half looked at me. They sort of looked out of the corner of an eye, like they were trying not to stare at a circus freak. I kept checking my shirt to see if it was tucked it. I checked to see if I was spontaneously bleeding from a facial orifice. I checked my fly. All seemed to be in order, so I'm not sure why I was being shunned.

I asked them how the progression to the Planetarium would go. Did they want me to invite them down, or would they do it? They assured me that my assistance would not be necessary. I just told them that I was going down to get set up, the door would be open, and to bring them whenever they wanted. They said as I walked away, "Remember, 20 minutes will be plenty! They're just here to network; they don't really need that Planetarium show."

By this time it was 7:00 at night. I'd been at work for 12 hours. I was annoyed at having to be there at all, and even more annoyed that I was treated as if I had leprosy. My anger decided to channel itself in an odd way -- I was going to give these 65 business owners the best show of their lives. I relaxed and settled into a groove while I was waiting for them. I cued up every special effect I had. They were getting the goods.

People started trickling in, and by 7:10 the place looked full... 65 people in an 80 seat theater is basically full, especially when they are all adults. I cranked the lights down at a medium pace -- once I was sure that their eyes had gone into night vision, I dropped it into full dark... you could almost hear it go to lights out. 4,000 stars greeted them, and I had one of the loudest "oooohs!" I had ever gotten. I started the show like this: right as they 'ooohed' I said, "That's right!" I mixed a little street accent in it as if I had just impressively stuffed a basketball in a game of 1 on 1. "Check it out!" I said, and cranked the daily motion on the spin them dizzy. They were like young teenagers in there, giggling and pointing.

I was on. It felt good -- when you get in the groove, it's like a kind of high. It didn't even feel like I was doing it -- I felt like I was off on the side watching some stranger do the program. I took them on a rock and roll ride. I had some music playing in the background as they came in, and everytime I spun the sky (did it a couple of times) I put the music back on. I took them through the Orion Nebula and took them to Mars. They ate it up! It was awesome.

I finally brought the lights back up at 7:55. As the lights were coming up, I looked at my watch in mock-shock -- "Oh, my goodness! Look at that! We went over! Sooo sorry about that..." One guy in the front row said, "I've got nothing to do, keep it going!"

I had schedules and brochures and star charts and bookmarks on the front table for them to take at the end. I figured they wouldn't care about them too much. I was wrong. The mob descended on them -- there was maybe 1 or 2 crumbled papers left. They also descended on me. The questions were tremendous. Many people got their goodies and wandered out, but about half stayed and wanted to find out more about Galileo crashing into Jupiter or the Cassini mission to Saturn... I rocked their world.

The highlight of that networking meeting -- not the networking, NOT the free food (which they devoured like wolves. We ordered 3 trays of food designed to feed 115 people. 65 showed up -- there was NOTHING left. Not even mustard packets. I'm pretty sure I saw one of them licking the plastic tablecloths), it was their ride in space.

They'll be back... and it won't be a 20 minute show next year either.

To Random Dad: Thanks for your Support.

Sometimes, on rare occasions, I get some welcome assisstance.

This Saturday, I had shows which were open to the public. They were well attended -- mostly due to the fact that was miserably drizzly, which is perfect Planetarium weather.

This particular program is one which I have dubbed "Longer Nights, Brighter Stars", and it concerns things to see in the winter night sky. I talked about some planets, stars, constellations, and other deep sky objects which are visible. I mentioned the Andromeda Galaxy, the Pleiades, and Betelgeuse.

I also showed an extremely groovy animation simulating a flythrough of the Great Orion Nebula. It was wild up there on the dome -- it really felt 3-D. There is some spacey music going on, and a professional voiceover. It was well done, and I'm sure it was a welcome change to my cartoon troll voice, that they usually have to listen to!

There was one kid, probably 11 or 12 years old, sitting on the edge of the row right in front of me. The video is less than three minutes long, and about one minute into it he started chanting: "BOOOOO-ring. BOOoooOOO-ring." I don't know what he was talking about! I had already seen it a dozen times, and I was STILL loving it. Maybe the music and voice were just too calm for him. And I was not personally offended or anything by the comment, like I thought I should be, because he was talking to the pre-recorded stuff. But it was still rather rude.

His father was right next to him, and right after the 3rd "BoooOOoooring" Dad punched him in the head. It was beautiful. OK, it was more of a shove, but it still nearly toppled the kid out of his chair. Good thing he was on the end of a row -- the show was full, the kid would have landed in someone else's lap.

"Was THAT boring?" Dad hissed through clenched teeth.

The kid, in full pout, shook his head "no".

"Boring doesn't look so bad now, does it?"

I tried to hold back, but as he said that, I think a laugh-snort snuck out.

OK. Break's Over. Back to work.

HELLO! I have been away, in case you couldn't tell. Sorry for the lapse in Blogging, but I was away (see previous sentence).

Where was I? I was in South Carolina, if you must know.

Anyhoo, I have returned, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. OK, that's not true: actually the eyes are a little bleary, and the tail is freshly shorn. The 'returned' part of that sentence is correct, though.

Apparently, my adoring public has missed me, since I returned to dozens of voice mail messages and e-mails requesting my astronomical services. I am in the process of returning those calls now, but I needed a break. My voice mail message mentioned that I would be away for 10 days, returning on September 9th.... many people left interesting messages, but I think most people waitied until today to call.

Here's how my day has gone so far -- I have returned many calls. Just as I was returning what I thought was the last call, as I was talking to the person, I heard the call-waiting beep sound going on. Once the call was complete (I won't interrupt the conversation for a beep!), I checked my voice mail, and I had a new message which I needed to respond to! Ack! So I called that one back -- this new call being the one which I figured would be my last. As I talked to that person, I had the call-waiting beep again. The call gets completed, and suddenly there is another new voice mail from someone else. I called that one back. As I talked, a beep. New voice mail. Called back. Beeped again. New voice mail. Called back. Beeped. Voice Mail. Called. Beeped. Mail. Call. Beep. Mail...

Glad I kept that airsick bag from the plane as a souvenir. I am off to use it!

Some Big Little Kids...

I did a show for an adult group home today. It's always quite fun. I've had a variety of abilities before, and it's difficult to guess at how functional they will be. I had their reservation form which included the following note:

These individuals function on roughly 1^st - 3^rd grade level. They may understand that stars can be seen at night.

This does not suggest a very high functioning group to me.

Orientation is occurring on campus, so it's not very crowded, especially on the walkway towards the Planetarium. They were strung out in a long line -- 8 patients, and 3 chaperones accompanying them. The first one down to me was a man, I'm guessing around 50 years old, about 5 feet tall, basically completely bald, and he greets me with: "Mary had a seizure. Mary's not coming. Because she had a seizure."

He was very cute, and obviously quite concerned. "I'm sorry to hear that," I told him.

One of the chaperones said, "That's OK, Tony, you don't have to tell him about that."

I said, "It's fine, really!" I turned to the man, and assured him, "Thanks, Tony, for letting me know."

He stuck his hand out to get shaken, and introduced himself, "Hi, I am Stephen."

I tilted my head slightly, and said, "I thought he just called you 'Tony'."

"Yes," he said, "I am Stephen."

I looked at the chaperone, who just shrugged his shoulders.

The sprawled out line eventually came together at the doors. We had introductions all around, there was a Jane and a Darren, but most of their names I regrettable have forgotten already. I beckoned them inside.

The fellow with whom I spoke outside was the last one in. He put out his hand and said, "Hi. I am Anthony."

I said, "Oh! Tony..."

He said, "Yes. But, no. I am Anthony."

I said, "Oh, Anthony. But outside you said you were Stephen."

He got a little flustered as if he had just remembered that he was pretending to have a different named and realized his mistake too late. He shook his head, cleared his throat, stuck out his hand and said, "Hi. I am Jerry."

I looked to the chaperone again, and he, again, just shrugged.

"Well come on in, Jerry!" I said cheerfully. He seemed quite pleased.

The rest were inside the Planetarium, and one of them was impressed with the machinery so much that he screamed. It was supposed to be a happy scream, but it echoed around the room, and freaked out Tony/Anthony/Stephen/Jerry quite a bit. He jumped, and squeezed my bicep with both hands in a vice-grip.

"Whassamatter?" I gasped.

"I'm afraid," Tony said.

"Itssokay," I told him. I had eyes wide open in fear and pain, pouring silent emotion to the chaperone to help me. I didn't want to say anything out loud, and scare Tony any more than he already was.

He let go, "I'm scared. I'm scared." He repeated it a few times.

One of the other patients started yelling, "I'm scared! I'm scared!" In a semi-mocking tone. She actually sounded like some who may have had Tourette Syndrome; it sounded like a mimic reflex.

And it did not help Tony's mental state at all. He just started yelling, "No. No. No." over and over.

They tried to sit him down, but he was just not having it. He decided he could stand, and was quiet when the staff members told them that later he could have a Pepsi.

When it started to get dark, he was not happy. He would yell, and a few in the group would join in. I leaned in to one of the staff members and asked, "What should I do?"

"Just talk loud," she told me.

Okey dokey.

When I first put up the huge picture of the moon, Tony's "No. No." chant turned into "Oh. Oh. Oh..." I went over to talk about the moon and stood next to him, and he told me, "I am going to be getting a Pepsi. Can you hold my hand?" Hey, I figured if he wouldn't yell anymore that I would do anything; holding the hand of another full-grown man was nothing.

I got done talking about the moon, and I whispered, "Tony, I need to go back to the control panel."

"I am Jerry," he told me.

"OK, but you need to let go of my hand now." He did. I went and proceeded, but every time I would talk about a planet or a constellation I would stop by and check on Tony. And every time, he asked me to hold his hand. Occasionally I would need my hand to use the laser pointer, and in that event either he would grip my arm, or have a hand around my back, hand on the opposite shoulder.

The show went OK -- I'm not sure how much they got out of it, content-wise, but I'm sure it was a great day out, and something different than what they are used to. It was certainly a brain stimulant.

As the lights are coming up, Tony's smile was in direct proportion with how much light there was. Finally, they could all see, and started stirring in their seats. Tony turned to me and stuck his hand out, greeting-style, and with a huge grin said, "Hi. I am Bill."

I said, "Hi! See? The show wasn't so bad! You had fun, didn't you?"

"Yes, I did," he assured me. He turned to one of the chaperones and said, "I made it!!"

He said, "You sure did, Tony."

"I made it!!" Tony said again. "I made it!!" he said as he walked towards the door.

He was the first one to the exit, and as I opened the door for him, he burst through and yelled "I made it!!"

Right outside the door was an orientation tour, waiting to go to the Career Services office across the hall. These were all young, pre-freshman, being inundated with college information. They are full of anxiousness at this next step in their academic lives, and have just been informed that they will need to actually do work here at college; for some of them it will be the first time in their lives. I can only imagine what was going through their mind as a 50 year old man burst through the door next to them screaming, "I made it!!"

I can only imagine they were thinking, "Holey moley, if it took him this long to graduate, I had better study."

I Hate Mars...

*-grumble-* *-grumble-* Stupid Mars. Coming closer to the Earth than it has been in 60,000 years or so. Getting everyone all riled up. Wondering when I'm going to open the Planetarium so they can see Mars through it. A Planetarium does not serve this function. A Planetarium is a sky simulator, there is no telescopy involved at all.

Urg.

I'm getting so many e-mails that I thought there was some new version of the So Big virus which contained the subject "Viewing Mars" or "Mars observation" or "Mars?". I get about 1000 of these emails a day. All of them asking what I am going to do about our conjunction with Mars. I am so tired of answering each individually that I am just cut-and-paste-ing this reply:

Dear Mars-Interested Person:

This has been quite a common question lately!

We aren't doing anything special here -- we just have the Planetarium, which is a projector that shows the stars in the dome theater. We don't have an observatory here, so it's not as if we can show you Mars through a telescope or anything.

So sorry!

--- Mr. Astronomy Guy

I am thinking of changing that to:

Dear Mars-Interested Person:

What do you mean "What am I doing about Mars?"? I'm living it up! I'm spending all my money on liquor and whores! We are getting so close to the planet Mars that we are certain to collide! That is, if the Martian invaders don't get us first! Live it up! The Earth will only be around for 72 more hours!

Doomsday has arrived!

If I were you, I'd run out and buy a helmet.

--- Mr. Astronomy Guy

OK, perhaps I'll keep the original version.

The phone calls are no better. Whenever the phone rings, my butt cheeks clench in fear of what I know the conversation will be like... A very slight paraphrase of part of an actual phone conversation:

**-ring-** **-ring-**

Me: "Good afternoon. Planetarium. This is Mr. Astronomy Guy."

Overly Excited Person (O.E.P.): "Hi! When are you having something about Mars?!?!" She was talking very quickly and loudly, as if she had just ingested a large amount of crack cocaine. I have come to refer to this as Mars Frenzy. It's an ailment that is going around.

Me: "I always talk about Mars. It's included in every program I do." I'm such a sarcastic bastard sometimes.

O.E.P.: "But the Mars thing! It's in the news! When can I come there and see Mars!?!?"

Me: "We're not an observatory; we don't have a telescope. It's not that kind of facility. I can't show you Mars any better than you can see it at home."

O.E.P.: "You mean I can see Mars from my house?!?!"

Me: "You certainly can. If it's clear, tonight..."

O.E.P. (interrupting): "...tonight?!?!"

Me: "Yes, tonight. After the sun goes down..."

O.E.P. (interrupting): "...when it's dark out?!?!"

Me: "Right. After dark. A couple hours after dark is best.. around 11:00 or so. Just go outside..."

O.E.P. (interrupting): "...I have to go outside!?!?"

Me: "Right. Outside. Just look to the southeast..."

O.E.P. (interrupting): "...which way is southeast?!?!?"

Me: "It depends on where you are. Do you have a compass?"

O.E.P.: "I think my son does."

Me (realizing this may need clarification): "I don't mean the thing to draw circles."

O.E.P.: "Oh. Then, no."

Me: "Maybe you could ask a neighbor to help you find southeast...?"

O.E.P.: "Do you think they might have a compass?!?!"

Me: *-sigh-* "Perhaps."


I'm probably just being astronomically pompous, but it's really wearing me down. While I was typing this the phone rang, and it was a wrong number. I was thrilled! No Mars question!

The Mars closeness is kind of a big deal, but it has been hyped up so much. Through a backyard telescope, Mars, at its 60,000 year best, is nowhere near as good as either Jupiter or Saturn appear at their worst.

Here's some non-frenzy-causing info about how Mars will appear...

ADDENDUM: OOH! OOH! I realized a good analogy. At least it seems good right now -- let's see how it works: The Mars approach is a lot like when your car's odometer turns to 100,000 miles! It sounds very cool, and you are very excited as it approaches, but once you've seen the numbers turn over, you are rather nonplussed. The fact that Mars is closer than it has been in 60,000 years is exactly like that!

Sometime You Just Can't Argue

A couple Blogs ago I mentioned a group that told me that they saw robots, and people, and heaven up in the stars. They were all about 4 years old, and later in the show, there was one kid who made a good point...

I was showing the moon. I discussed the mares and craters. We talked about the fact that there are so many craters because there is really no air around the moon.

One kid yelled out in the middle: "What about aliens?"

"What about them?" I asked back.

"Are there aliens on the moon?" he clarified.

"Nope. Nothing could live on the moon. Remember when we talked about the craters?" I reminded him.

"Uh-huh," he said.

"We said there was no air, right?"

"Uh-huh," he said again.

"So what would the aliens breathe?!" I asked, triumphantly, secure in the knowledge that he would get the point immediately.

"Well," he said, matter-of-factly, "isn't it possible that aliens might not need to breathe like us?"

Hmmm. "So far as we know," I told him, "everything needs to breathe in some fashion in order to live."

"Well, so far as we know..."

How could I say differently? I decided to let him have the last word.

Stood UP!

Last night I was supposed to be doing a show for 2 people. TWO PEOPLE! I will actually do a show for as few as one, you just have to pay me the $50 minimum. Anyway, I had a couple of shows I wasn't real happy with during the day (the Blog below this discusses a not-that-bad part -- I will try to Blog the rest of the insanity bits later). And the guy was supposed to be there at 7:00 with his girlfriend. He had apparently purchased a star for her. He asked if I could maybe show her the star...

The answer is, of course, NO.

People ask me all the time if the Star Registry thing is real. Of course it's real. It's not a scam, and it's kind of a nice thing to do for someone who might find it a nice thing to be done. Nobody is going to go around called the star you picked "Brad" or "Chloe", but there is a note made of it in a central location, and the person feels all mushy and oogy that some eternal beacon in the sky has been dedicated to him or her. The feelings are real, so that makes the rest of it real.

On a good night of stargazing in a suburban area you MIGHT see about 2500 stars with the naked eye. ALL OF THESE ALREADY HAVE NAMES. Sorry, you're not getting one of those.

With a small telescope, if you could freeze time and scan the whole sky, you might be able to increase the number of stars to 25,000. All of these are done, too. There are actually at least 300,000 which already have important catalogue names. You're not getting one of those, either.

There's somewhere near 100 billion OTHER stars in the Milky Way, which are not visible with the naked eye, and tough to pick out with a precision scope -- you're going to get one of those. Maybe if you hitch a ride on the Hubble, you can point out your star.

I explained this to the dude who was coming, and also explained that it would just be his lady, him, and myself in there. And I would be doing a little lecture. Not very romantic, and I would kind of be a third wheel. He didn't care... he thought it would be a sweet and wonderful idea.

Except for the fact that he never showed up! Usually I got out of work around 4:00pm. His show was supposed to start at 7:00pm. By 7:10 I was a little annoyed. By 7:25 I was downright raging. I left him a swell message on his cell phone about how I "hoped everything was OK, and nothing bad happened."

Basically, what I meant was, "Where are you, you little freak? I waited around for 4 extra hours. I had some disdain for the fact that I was doing it for TWO people. Now that I did it for NO people, I kind of want to choke you."

I didn't even totally give up on him until 8:05. I was really wishing some powerful misfortune on him by that point.

I'll feel really guilty if something bad ACTUALLY happened.

Variations on a Theme

Guess what? More four year olds! Ack. And I mean: Ack.

They arrived late, and less than half of what I was expecting showed up. There were 12 of them. TWELVE KIDS!! Well, compared to the show I am going to be doing in about 45 minutes, it's not too bad. That one will only have 2 attendees. I have stayed for 4 hours after work for TWO stinking people. But I digress...

They showed up all wound up. They finally settled down. I introduced myself, and said hello to them, and they all tried to say my name. They did not have much success, so I told them to call me Mr. Astronomy Guy. That was MUCH worse. I told them that "the maintenance people call me Starman. I suppose you could call me that." Oops. The cheer rose up: "Star-MAN! Star-MAN! Star-MAN!" I guess they liked that. And, really, it's not bad to get a peppy cheer sung at you every once in a while.

I dimmed the lights and said that they might start seeing some starts soon.

One kid said, "I see the sun!" There was no sun projected -- perhaps he was just referring to the light filling the room.

I said, "Well, you don't actually see The Sun. We are just pretending there is sunlight, and pretending that the sun is going down."

"I see the sun!" Another kid said.

**--sigh--** "I guess you do," I told him. I've been giving up a lot easier lately.

"I see a robot!" was the next one.

For some reason, I decided to go with it. I knew struggling with it would just make it worse. "Where?" I asked.

"Right there!" the kid said, just pointing in the general direction of UP.

"Oh. Wow." I said.

"I see people!" the next kid told me.

"Really!" I said, genuinely excited. "That's awesome!"

Now some actual stars were appearing. They got quiet as they started to notice it.

One of them whispered, in a very breathy voice, and with true awe,         _{"I see heaven."}

I decided not to encourage it any more. I thought it might get a little to deep for conversations with pre-schoolers.

Another Break in the Blog

Sorry for a long wait for updates, Blogophiles. I've had a couple shows, but it has been kind of quiet around here as the summer has been coming to a close.

I did have some shows a couple weekends ago that I wanted to talk about... not about the show, but a flaw I have found in working at a Planetarium which doesn't have any automated systems -- only my voice. The problem: If you do six wild shows in rapid succession, your voice goes away!

I had 3 shows on Friday, and then 3 on Saturday. Around show #2 on Friday, my voice started to fade. I think I can still feel the after effects. My throat still has a dull ache.

I was doing a storytelling show; it was part of my Shapes in the Sky shows, which are for kids 4 to 8 years old.

{OK, OK... stop yelling! YES, after all my complaining about little kids, I actually write, design, produce and perform shows made exclusively for them.]

Anyway, one of the stories had a rabbit, and owl, and a buffalo. Yes, I do different little voices for all of them. The rabbit had a little squeaky voice, so he was kind of easy to do, and continue to do even after my voice was gone. The owl had a sort of hooty voice. It wasn't too bad after my voice went, it just sounded like the owl was very far away. However, once my voice faded away, I could not pull off the buffalo. He's supposed to be a giant animal, bulky and forceful, strong enough to tear down the sky. My voice-loss buffalo sounded more like a mid-pubescent 73 pound weakling, who had recently been pummeled and wedgied by the cool kids.

It did make for an entertaining show -- both kids and adults laughed hard, even though it wasn't supposed to be the funny part -- but I would rather not have to go through that again.

Searching For a Happy Medium

Most of these Blogs have included me whining about the little kids, and especially about those entrusted with their care. I usually want the adults who accompany the groups to do some sort of chaperoning.

But today, it went way too far.

First of all, the group was supposed to be 22, but with people on vacation, etc., the group contained 11 children. Definitely not worth my while, but I've done programs for as few as two. There were 4 adults accompanying these 11 children - a fine ratio in my book! The kids ranged in age from three years old, all the way up to four years old. My regular readers will know how I feel about this age group.

The only thing I have for kids this age are big bright pictures on the dome, and making them laugh. If I can make them laugh, and look in the general direction of the ceiling, I feel I have succeeded with a group of three year olds.

Normally, they are a little chatty as I run up to the control panel and get things going. They are pointing at the equipment and the big dome and murmuring excitedly. This time, it was eerily silent. I should have been happy! But, it just freaked me out, just a little. One kid started to say something... though I have no idea what it was because the teacher next to him went, "SSHHHHHH!!!"

The show began, and the kids conitnued being totally silent. I usually shut myself up as the lights go down -- the kids are too enthralled by the stars appearing to pay any attention to me, and usually they are making "OOh" and "AAh" sounds. This is the best way to get their attention, and I can get a feel for the excitedness level of the crowd.

This time: silence. DEAD silence. The chaperones must have either (a) issued qualludes to the children on the way to the show, or (b) threatened them with bodily harm. This kids were dead silent. I was starting to worry. The lights were about 1/2 way down, and there were a hundred or so stars visible, so I decided to break the silence: "Does anybody see any stars up there yet?"

["YE..."] They started to answer, but then ["SSSSSSHHHH!"] they were cut off. Why? I asked them a question! They're doing it right!! They were supposed to answer!!

I continued on and talked about craters on the moon. I told them that rocks smack into the moon and leave those little dents. To illustrate it, I waved my laser pointer around and then smacked it into the moon, complete with sound effects made be me... "VRRRREEEAAARMM --- PKKKOOOSSSH!" OK, I know there's no sound in space, and probably no discernible noise as it crashes into the moon, but it's a hilarious effect to any four year old. The kids started laughing, but stopped quickly as they got "SSSSSHHHHH!"ed.

The rest of the show had no interaction at all. It was a lecture. That's no fun! I think a couple kids fell asleep.


I either get no assistance at all, or discipline nazis! Someday I hope a group comes with just the right about of behavior modification. Someday...

A Public Service Announcement

The writer of this Blog would like to take a moment to address a Planetarium safety concern.

Please do not bring children under the age of 3 into the Planetarium. If you absolutely must do this, please leave the child in a stroller, or in your lap, or, at worst, in the seat next to you. Please do not, under any circumstances, leave the child on the floor. This astronomer is a dynamic one, and jumps and runs and flails throughout his Planetarium programs. True, you can't see him, so it doesn't make too much sense, but he can't help it. He is a spaz. A child on the floor is a child in peril.

---

I had a parent come in, and drop a baby on the floor. It was just sitting there gnawing on some teethy thing. I'm not sure how old, but those of you who are child savvy may be able to give it a ballpark figure if you know: the baby could sit up. It could lean forward. It could not crawl, but could get on all fours and lean forward and back. What is that? One year old?

Anyway, I wandered around the room as I normally do. The first time I kicked the child, I thought it was a purse or a knapsack. It didn't say anything at all. (NOTE: Usually during the show, I am not wearing my shoes -- I kick them off to more stealthily roam the dome... so, the baby just got kicked with socked feet, not steel-toed boots or anything.) The second time, my foot actually made it under one of the baby's legs, and as I took a step away, I kind of flipped it onto it's back. I heard a sound which caused me panic, because I though the baby was crying. Apparently it was just laughing. I leaned down to the closest adult and said, "Ohmigosh! I think I just stepped on your baby!"

"She seems fine," the mother told me. "She thinks it's funny!" I can never tell if a baby is screaming in pain or in glee.

"OK, but can you move her please?" I asked.

"Sure," she told me.

I meant "up and off the floor". Apparently she though that just moving the child 6 inches over was enough.

The third step-upon caused me to just pick the baby up and hand it to the mother. "You dropped this," I told her.

I Didn't Know I Could Say That...

You know I had little kids again today, and you know I've got something to tell about it.

They were from a Day Care/Summer Program. These kids ranged in age from 3 years old to 9 years old. This is probably the most challenging age range to try to address all at once. The years between 3 and 9 are probably the years in which the most development of a person occurs. It is likely that you develop more in that span than in the entire rest of your life combined.

So it is not surprising that when I was saying something of interest to the 9 year olds, the 3 year olds were yammering away, and vice versa.

At one point, I was discussing the fact that Venus is kind of a nasty place. I mentioned the vicious temperatures, the crushing pressure, and the horrid acidic atmosphere. One girl just started scream-crying. I wasn't too far away when it happened and I was quite concerned. It sounded like she had been stabbed. I asked her what the matter was, and the older girl sitting next to her told me, "I think she's scared of Venus." The older girl was quite matter-of-fact about it -- she seemed completely unconcerned that the young lass next to her was screaming so loud that she was about to throw a tonsil.

Perhaps my Venus details were a bit too graphic. I didn't think so... I thought it was about the same level that I always use. But possibly, this time, I laid it on too thick. But that never happened before! Ah, well, live and learn.

Now that I think about it, I think it was rather recently that I had caused another child to cry. I should get one of those signs like they have in factories: "XX days since an accident." Mine will say "XX days since accidentally causing a child to weep."

Right now, that number would be zero.

Only a few seconds of crying occurred before the girl was escorted out by a conscientious adult, so it was OK.


They kids were sort of rowdy, throughout. It wasn't the worst ever, but it certainly was not the best. At the end of the program, as they were leading the kids away, one woman came up to me and told me how wonderful the show had been. I was worried she was approaching me to scold me for scaring one of her children witless.

"We were here a couple years ago, and the kids were kind of crazy," she told me. I got news for you, lady, they were crazy this time. If they were crazier last time, I pity who was ever here then. "The astronomer who was here then told us that this might not be a good trip for this age group, that it really didn't seem appropriate for them, and told us to not make a reservation again."

I was stunned. You can say that?!? Why didn't I think of that?! That is great! When the kids are rowdy I can just tell them that they can't come back.

My job just got a lot easier. Or at least will get a lot easier once I've grown a spine.

The Little Ones Strike Again...

OK, I apologize porofusely for the repetitiveness of the Blogs here! There have been so many tiny kids lately -- it's really all I have to talk about -- kids say the darndest things, I guess.

The 4&5 year olds came tottering in and sat down. I did my little intro, and asked if there were any last questions before we got going. One kid raised his hand and asked, "Is today done yet?"

The whole day?! This was 9:30 AM, it was quite evident to me, at least, that there was much more of the day to go. Indeed, more to go than had elapsed so far.

I told him, "No, we have a bunch of time left in the day."

He said, "C'mon. I'm hungry."

I said, "Sit tight -- I bet later there's a snack time!" I have no idea where that came from. And all of a sudden I got nervous. What if there was no snack time? I glanced at a teacher, and she kind of nodded. I hopped that meant that there would be a snack time.

Well, I proceeded into the show... one of the constellations I discuss this time of year is Cygnus, the swan. I circled the area of the sky with my little laser pointer and said: "This is Cygnus, the swan. Does anyone know what a swan is?"

"A lizard!" one boy yelled out.

"No, it's not a lizard," I corrected him.

"Are you sure? he asked.

"Quite sure," I told him. "These are its wings," I pointed them out with my pointer, "and this is where its head is," I pointed that out with my pointer, "and it looks like this!" and I superimposed to picture of the swan upon the stars, with pomp and flair!

"Oh!" the boy said, "It's a beaver bird."

I was not sure I heard him correctly. "A what?" I asked.

"A beaver bird," he decidedly told me.

"What is a beaver bird?" I asked him.

"That," he told me pointing at the pisture.


It's like they speak a whole other language. I need a 5-Year-Old to English dictionary. I'd volunteer to make one, but even after all this time I don't understand one dang word they're saying!

I Will Have to Start a Show Rating System...

[This is my first Crossover Blog! It appeared in this Blog, as well as my other one. Sorry for the redundancy, but it works for both. Is this just a cheap and lazy way to add an entry to both Blogs? Of course!]

Why do all the myths and legends of the night sky have to do with violence and horror and perverse sexuality??

Every other month I do a storytellting show for little kids in the Planetarium... I have to search around for kid-safe stories. When it comes to classic myths and legends, there are VERY few. It doesn't matter what culture it was, the ancient people's had exclusively adult content when it came to constellation stories.

Here's a couple examples:

A Native American story goes like this:

"The Coyote liked to show off to the girls by juggling his eyeballs. One day he threw one so high it stuck in the sky."

You just can't tell that to 3 year olds!

We could go with the standard Greek stories, but those are filled with adultery, incest, murder and lies! Vicious murders and lies! AND, apparently the major Greek gods were members of NAMBLA:

"Ganymede is the young, beautiful boy that became one of Zeus’ lovers."

I really don't want to support man-god-boy love in my shows.

The Asian cultures were just as bad. They have tons of stories, as well. Many are interesting, of course, but I just can't use them. Like this:

"A particular myth tells of when the man in the moon (Kidili) attempted to rape the first woman, Wati-kutjara threw a magical boomerang which severed the rapist's genitals."

For a children's show, I try to avoid the words 'severed', 'rapist', AND 'genitals'.

Top 5 Indicators That the Kids are Too Young...

I had a group of kids yesterday that were all less than 5 years old. This is too young! I know I've said it before, but this show had a bunch of things that I jotted down, all during a single show, that tells me that this age group is too young. I would like to share the top 5 with you right now...

Number 5: Four minutes into the program I had a kid say "Can you turn the lights back on?" I ignored it.

Two minutes after that he reiterated the sentiment: "Lights on? Lights back on?"

One minute past that, it got panicky: "LIGHTS!! LIIIIIGHHHTS ONNNN!!!!"

Mom (or other responsible adult next to him that seemed like Mom) told him, "In a minute, honey."

We had at least forty minutes to go.


Number 4: About ten minutes into the program, another kid said, matter-of-factly: "OK. Can we go home now?" It wasn't the best performance evaluation I had ever had...


Number 3: As we were watching a rocket lift off and zoom away towards Mars, one of the kids asked, "But how's he gonna get back to his house?"

"A rocket doesn't live in a house," I told him.

"Where does a rocket live?" he asked me.

It was a tough one, really. "Most of them live in Florida," I told him.

"Oh," he said.


Number 2: The rocket payload's final destination was Mars. The Mars Exploration Rover majestically unfolded and began doing it's business on Mars. Whenever it would move, the kids would start going, "Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga," locomotive-style. Even the teachers joined in.


And the Number 1 thing that is said during a Planetarium show to indicate that the kids there are too young: About two-thirds of the way through the show I realized that I had just not been reaching these kids. Forty minutes into the program, during a quiet moment right before I put up a new slide, one of them asked, "What is this place?"

I Thought This Was a Field Trip...

Another young group (I'm a broken record, I know) came in today. They were 5 and 6 years old from some community school. I did my usual deal -- I stopped them outside the building and gave them the "Be Quiet" speech...

"Remember you guys, were about to go into a school, and there are classes going on right now..."

The boy who was about 10th in line said, "This is school?! We're going to school...?" His chin started to quiver. And he started to cry.

I have set a new record! Less than 20 words came out of my mouth, and already I caused a child to cry.

The teacher who was next to him was trying to get him to stop crying, but it wasn't working since she was cracking up at the time. I couldn't hold a straight face either. "We're not going to school," I told him, between snorts and giggles, "We're going into the Planetarium! It will be fun!"

He seemed unconvinced.

We went on in, and apparently NO ONE in the group wanted to be inside of a school. They were yammering on throughout the show. For much of it they were yelling out things related to the show, but occassionally they'd get inappropriately rowdy.

I just want a teacher to yell at the kids to help them be quiet. Just once. That's all I ask! Just once.

As they were lining up to leave at the very end, one of the teachers yelled, "Alright, here we go. And when we go out I don't want to hear one word in the hallway!" And they were all silent.

CORRECTION: I just want a teacher to yell at the kids to help them be quiet during the show. Just once. That's all I ask! Just once.